Hokies Make Late Run at Fulmer Cup

by furrer4heisman
Gobbler Country Times-Picayune

With only a week left to accumulate Fulmer Cup points, the Virginia Tech Hokies launched a late charge early Sunday morning.

Projected starting wide receiver Zach Luckett was charged with a DUI after blowing a .16 and driving with a revoked license and was awarded four points by Fulmer Cup chief executive Orson Swindle. It was the first point-scoring citation by a Hokie this season.

"It may be to late to win the title, but we feel like we can make a run," head coach Frank Beamer said. "We can't let our rivals have all the fun."

Both West Virginia and Virginia have 19 Fulmer Cup points and are in a tie for third behind Missouri and Alabama. West Virginia briefly flirted with first place before having points redacted due to the perpetrator having been removed from the roster following spring practice.

"I just don't know if we'll be able to catch those two," Beamer said, referring to the Mountaineers and Cavaliers. "At this point it may take one of the freshman running a meth lab and prostitution ring out of his dorm."

Beamer apologized to Hokie fans were expecting the team to bring home the hardware.

"We just can't recruit the kind of bad apples those schools are able to bring in," he said. "It may be another two or three years before we're able to compete for a Fulmer Cup crown again."

Queer Eye for the Wahoo Guy

[/scene: Int. Club 216 in Charlottesville, Va. Cavman and two UVa. football players enter the club.]

Cavman: Seriously, guys, I come here all the time. It's the best bar in C-ville.

Barker: Brah. I really don't think this is our kind of party. And Roberts is completely out of control.

Roberts: Wooooooooo! Col-lege! Wooooooooo!

Barker: Roberts, shut up. You don't want to draw attention to yourself.

Roberts: Wooooooooo! Ladies of Charlottesville, Roberts is in the hizz-ouse! Wait a minute. Barker, where are the ladies. You told me there would be ladies. That's why I why I dressed for the occasion.

[/points to neckline]



Barker: That's a little over the top, brah. And I know there are no ladies here. I think Cavman brought us to a ...

Cavman: Oh boys, come meet my friends!



Barker: Actually, brah, we were just about to leave and ...

Cavman: Don't be silly. The party is just getting started! Cosmopolitans for everyone!

Roberts: Whatever, dude. I just got us a bunch of Mic Ultra.

Barker: How the hell did you get those? You don't have any cash.

Kyan Douglas: Oh this will not do! Look at that hair. You look like the bastard child of Prince and Sinead O'Connor! After I'm done with it, they'll definitely be saying, 'Nothing compares to you!'"

Barker: Don't touch the 'do, brah! I'm telling you.

Carson Kressley: And you, my dear. Those shirts have got to go!

Roberts: What are you talking about? This look always helps me score at the horsetrack!

Carson Kressley: Honey, I know this is Charlottesville, but that's over-doing it just a little, don't you think.

Roberts: No way, man. You gotta look classy to score in this town. That's why the polo shirt's on top. Don't tell anyone, but the other 14 collars are all from Tar-jay.

Barker: Dude, Roberts, where the hell did you get that beer? I think the bartender is pissed.

Roberts: I told you man, I just picked it up out of the free beer trough.

Barker: They don't have free beer troughs here, brah. Oh, shit. The cops.



[/and ... scene]