A Merry Hateful Christmas

I figured Christmas was as good a time as any to fire up the old Hate Index. Christmas is a time of joy, cheer and merriment. And nothing brought me more joy, cheer or merriment this year than rooting against the teams I dislike most. 'Twas a great year to be a hateful Hokie.

Most of the teams I loathe are staying home for the holidays. And even the ones who experienced success got the shaft. It was a beautiful, beautiful football season. Here's how the teams I root against rated on the Schadenfruede Scale, with 10 bringing me the most pleasure from someone else's pain.

Virginia (5-7): 10

The Hokies beat the Hoos for the fifth consecutive season and ninth time in the last 10 tries. Not only that, but the win gave Tech the Coastal crown and guaranteed the 'Hoos wouldn't be going bowling. It was an amazing day.

West Virginia (8-4): 7

The honeymoon for Coach Stew lasted about 20 minutes. It was beautiful to check WVU message boards for the Stew-pendous apocalypse that followed each loss.

Tennessee (5-7): 8

Didn't go bowling. Fired its legendary head coach. Hired a young whipper-snapper who's going to be in waaaaay over his head. It was fun to watch, Vols.

Miami (7-5): 5

Tough to watch them beat us, but great to watch them collapse epically in their last two games.

Louisville (5-7): 6

That 5-7 includes a fantastic 1-6 record against Big East foes. Oh, and they lost to Syracuse again, meaning they finished D.A.L. in their conference. Welcome back to irrelevancy, Cards.

Michigan (3-9): 7

This number would have been higher, but toward the end it was just sad.

Texas (11-1): Off the Chart

Yes, the Horns had the most successful season among the teams I loathe. However, they got left out of the Big 12 title game in favor of my alma mater. It was joyous to watch them B&M.

Hate Index No. 2

The Hate Index is a sometimes-updated feature here on Gobbler Country in which I let all of our rivals and enemies know how much I loathe them. It doesn't have to just include teams. It can be specific players or even members of the media. The first installment was a crash-course in Gobbler Country hateration and can be viewed by clicking here. All aboard the Hate Train.

OK, this isn't so much an update of the Hate Index as much as it is taking the opportunity to brag and then make fun of our primary rivals. Sure, this will probably ensure that we'll lose to Nebraska. Karma is a bitch that way. But, hey, what the hell...

Virginia (1-2)

Only win so far this year was a very unimpressive win over Richmond. Lost to USC and UConn by a combined 736 points*. And their starting quarterback was kicked off the team for drinking underage. So far, its been a pretty good start of the season for the Hoos. Have fun try to beat the spread against Dook, ass holes.

Hey, remember when Virginia Tech was known as the thug school? Well, I don't remember us ever having to kick both the starting and future quarterback off the team. Of course, both Sewell and Lalich will probably be back on the depth chart next year. Buncha classless cheaters who will win at any cost.



* - Rough estimate.

West Virginia (1-2)

Nice coach you guys got there. He's a homeless man's Joe Kines. The inmates are officially running the asylum at WVU. The couches are safe, but the coaches may be ignited soon.



Tennessee (1-2)

So far the Clawfense has been a wild success for the Vols as they continue to confuse defenses and pile on points. Actually, they suck worse than before as Fulmer continues to get outcoached by the best and also most mediocre coaches in college football. They lost to UCLA, who since then have lost two games by a combined 80 points. After beating UAB, the Vols failed to score a touchdown against Florida. Arian Foster should be one of the best running backs in the country. Too bad Clawson makes me almost appreciate the offensive wizardry of Bryan Stinespring.



UVa, WVU and UT's wins have been over Richmond, Villanova and UAB, respectively. Maybe the Hoos and Eers should join the CAA.

Hate Index Update

ACC

Nothin' But Love
1. Duke Football
2. Clemson
3. Georgia Tech
4. NC State
5. Wake Forest
Mildly Annoying
6. Boston College
7. Maryland
May Your Canals Be Filled With Sand
8. Florida State
9. North Carolina
10. Miami
11. Duke Basketball
Virginia
12. Virginia

Non Conference

Nothin' But Love
1. Oklahoma
2. Ohio State
3. Air Force ($$$)
Mildly Annoying
4. The SEC (minus Tennessee)
5. East Carolina
May Your Canals Be Filled With Sand
6. Michigan
7. Louisville
8. Texas
9. Tennessee
West Virginia
10. West Virginia

Hate Index No. 1

The Hate Index will be a sometimes-updated feature here on Gobbler Country in which I let all of our rivals and enemies know how much I loathe them. It doesn't have to just include teams. It can be specific players or even members of the media. For the first installment, however, I'm just listing teams. Consider this to be a crash-course in Gobbler Country hateration. All aboard the Hate Train.

ACC Opponents

Nothin' But Love
1. Duke Football - I hope Cutcliffe makes that team respectable. It would help our SOS. Yes, even when I have nothin' but love for someone, it's for selfish reasons. I'm a huge douche.
2. Clemson - I've got no problem with Clemson. They're good people, even if they did steal $50 worth of car magnets from me during my trip there in 2007.
3. Georgia Tech - Really not much to have against the Wreck. Every now and then they'll field a football team that can beat you. But most of the time they just aren't good enough to hate. Good basketball coach, too.
4. Wake Forest - A feel good story on the football field. That and they're crazy. You can't really hate the insane. You know, because they might show up and blow up campus.

Mildly Annoying
5. NC State - They're good people. But I'm still peeved about the loss in '04. It takes a while for me to let stuff go. And Tom O'Brien's there now instead of Chesty.
6. Boston College - Takes a step down to mildly annoying with the loss of Matty Heisman. There will be payback the next couple years for your past transgressions, Eagles.
7. North Carolina - Even though they have Butch Davis and Tyler Hansbrough helped ruin my weekend, I kind of like the Heels. That and its between them and Duke and I ain't picking Duke.
8. Maryland - The stereotype is they're all rude fans from Jersey. The reality is they're all rude fans from jersey. But, unlike almost everyone else, I like Gary Williams. In the words of Bill Raftery, "He looks like an unmade bed after games."

May Your Canals Be Filled With Sand
9. Florida State - You're only ahead of Miami because you're not in our division. Your coach is just a figure-head. He stands around looking lost all game (you know, because of the Alzheimer's). Your players are so dumb they have to cheat to pass an online class. I took online classes all the time in college. If you have to cheat at an online class then you shouldn't be in college. And the players that aren't dumb and dumb enough to get caught are so thuggish they make our players look like angels. You want "Lack of Institutional Control," NCAA? I give you F$U. And guess what? We don't soil ourselves when we see the spear on the side of the helmets anymore.

10. Miami - And you. Your fans are the most fair-weather fans in the league and the ones who show up are cocky even when you suck. The good news is you can sell beer at your games. I appreciate that. Miami would be great if it weren't for their fans.
11. Duke Basketball - Yeah, it's cliche to hate you. But your fans are a bunch of posers and I hate Coach K and all of your players. The flopping, the ref-abuse from Coach K and the just the fact that Wojo exists makes me hate you.

Virginia
12. Virginia - You get your own category. All the reasons that I despise you have been echoed ad nauseum by all Hokies. Basically, your entire culture sickens me. When I have children, I will pay for them to go to college anywhere they want. Except UVa. If they want to become one of you, they can pay for it themselves. Before this year's UVa game, a friend of mine who votes for the Heisman wanted to get under my skin. He sent me an email that said he was filling out his Heisman ballot and considering Chris Long. The E-mail included the Chris Long Lovefest UVa media relations had sent him. This was my response:

"(expletive) chris long and everyone who looks like chris long. this is the biggest football game in the history of the great Commonwealth of Virginia and ill take a (expletive) in the (expletive) before i let france (aka: uva) win it. those zima-chugging, brie-cheese-eating, neck-tie-wearing arrogant (expletive) can (expletive) clean off. (expletive) uva. uva football is gayer than eight guys (expletive) nine guys. their (expletive) fight song is auld lang syne. are you (expletive) kidding me? get a real (expletive) fight song. i still hate new years eve because it means i have to hear that (expletive) song. the only good thing is i know that by the time new years eve rolls around, those (expletive) have already played their bowl game. usually about a week before hand. that is, if they made a bowl. and dont get me started on this (expletive) that uva is a better academic institution. the hardest part about graduating from uva? that would be getting into uva. uva is harder to get into and tech is harder to graduate from. those trust fund (expletive) can take their "higher academics" and kiss my (expletive). you know why? because biology lectures arent televised. football games are. they can sit there with their brie, wine and neck ties and call themselves sophisticated. me? im going to get hammered on wild turkey 101, grill brats, wear my beer-stained hooded sweatshirt and watch my football team beat the (expletive) out of yours because thats where sophistication gets you. give me tech and hard nosed, blue collar work ethic because were going to kick your (expletive) 10 times out of 10 that way. drink your wine and eat your brie, (expletive). my bourbon-drinking (expletive) has has won 7 of the last 8 meetings (ed. note: now 8 of 9). take your (expletive) trust fund and use to buy a first class ticket to boise to see your worthless team play in the (expletive) humanitarian bowl again. (expletive) uva. (expletive) them. (expletive) uva. thursday is day 1,083 of tech's continuous possession of the commonwealth cup, (expletive). ps - happy thanksgiving."

And I was sober when I wrote that. I was told two days later by someone who had the E-mail forwarded to them that it was the "funniest (expletive) E-mail" they had ever read.

Non-Conference Teams

Nothin' But Love
1. Oklahoma - The Alma Mater. I don't like Stoops, but I at least respect him. It's win-win for me when the Sooners play. If they win, I'm happy for the players and the people involved with that program. When they lose, I'm happy I get to see Stoops squirm.
2. South Florida - Beating WVU twice in a row gets you some love.
3. Ohio State - I hate Michigan, have friends who are Bucks and they have the coolest helmets in college football. You're the only Big Ten team I have any respect for.
4. East Carolina - Just don't do anything stupid like beat us anytime between now at 2080 or whenever this friggin' series ends.

Mildly Annoying
5. The SEC (Minus Tennessee) - Mildly annoying because they're so good at football and their fans often wear neck ties to games. But wow, do they have good tailgating.

May Your Canals Be Filled With Sand
6. Michigan - Good job hiring DickRod. Now I dislike you more.
7. Texas - Wrong kind of orange. I do like Rick Barnes, though.
8. Louisville - I learned at the 2005 Final Four that their fans have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. They're trailer trash, wanna-be thugs. Yes, I would like fries with that. No, I don't want an apple pie.
9. Tennessee - Vols fans, I've got bad news for you. You're really not going to like it. You may want to sit down. OK, here it is. WE'RE BETTER AT FOOTBALL THAN YOU ARE. In fact, you're kind of bad at it now. Your coach has no control over his team and really should be shown the door. It used to be you wouldn't play us because we weren't on your level. Guess what? Now we don't want to play you because you're not on our level. And your stadium is overrated. Not as good as advertised. Rocky Top, you'll always be... second in the SEC! Good ol' Rocky Top (woooo!)... second in the SEC!


West Virginia
10. West Virginia - You also get your own category, Couch Burners. Is there anything sadder than burning your own furniture after a football game? And you do it win or lose. You're basically the most class-less fan base outside of Newcastle, England.