Friday, March 21, 2008

Hate Index No. 1

The Hate Index will be a sometimes-updated feature here on Gobbler Country in which I let all of our rivals and enemies know how much I loathe them. It doesn't have to just include teams. It can be specific players or even members of the media. For the first installment, however, I'm just listing teams. Consider this to be a crash-course in Gobbler Country hateration. All aboard the Hate Train.

ACC Opponents

Nothin' But Love
1. Duke Football - I hope Cutcliffe makes that team respectable. It would help our SOS. Yes, even when I have nothin' but love for someone, it's for selfish reasons. I'm a huge douche.
2. Clemson - I've got no problem with Clemson. They're good people, even if they did steal $50 worth of car magnets from me during my trip there in 2007.
3. Georgia Tech - Really not much to have against the Wreck. Every now and then they'll field a football team that can beat you. But most of the time they just aren't good enough to hate. Good basketball coach, too.
4. Wake Forest - A feel good story on the football field. That and they're crazy. You can't really hate the insane. You know, because they might show up and blow up campus.

Mildly Annoying
5. NC State - They're good people. But I'm still peeved about the loss in '04. It takes a while for me to let stuff go. And Tom O'Brien's there now instead of Chesty.
6. Boston College - Takes a step down to mildly annoying with the loss of Matty Heisman. There will be payback the next couple years for your past transgressions, Eagles.
7. North Carolina - Even though they have Butch Davis and Tyler Hansbrough helped ruin my weekend, I kind of like the Heels. That and its between them and Duke and I ain't picking Duke.
8. Maryland - The stereotype is they're all rude fans from Jersey. The reality is they're all rude fans from jersey. But, unlike almost everyone else, I like Gary Williams. In the words of Bill Raftery, "He looks like an unmade bed after games."

May Your Canals Be Filled With Sand
9. Florida State - You're only ahead of Miami because you're not in our division. Your coach is just a figure-head. He stands around looking lost all game (you know, because of the Alzheimer's). Your players are so dumb they have to cheat to pass an online class. I took online classes all the time in college. If you have to cheat at an online class then you shouldn't be in college. And the players that aren't dumb and dumb enough to get caught are so thuggish they make our players look like angels. You want "Lack of Institutional Control," NCAA? I give you F$U. And guess what? We don't soil ourselves when we see the spear on the side of the helmets anymore.

10. Miami - And you. Your fans are the most fair-weather fans in the league and the ones who show up are cocky even when you suck. The good news is you can sell beer at your games. I appreciate that. Miami would be great if it weren't for their fans.
11. Duke Basketball - Yeah, it's cliche to hate you. But your fans are a bunch of posers and I hate Coach K and all of your players. The flopping, the ref-abuse from Coach K and the just the fact that Wojo exists makes me hate you.

12. Virginia - You get your own category. All the reasons that I despise you have been echoed ad nauseum by all Hokies. Basically, your entire culture sickens me. When I have children, I will pay for them to go to college anywhere they want. Except UVa. If they want to become one of you, they can pay for it themselves. Before this year's UVa game, a friend of mine who votes for the Heisman wanted to get under my skin. He sent me an email that said he was filling out his Heisman ballot and considering Chris Long. The E-mail included the Chris Long Lovefest UVa media relations had sent him. This was my response:

"(expletive) chris long and everyone who looks like chris long. this is the biggest football game in the history of the great Commonwealth of Virginia and ill take a (expletive) in the (expletive) before i let france (aka: uva) win it. those zima-chugging, brie-cheese-eating, neck-tie-wearing arrogant (expletive) can (expletive) clean off. (expletive) uva. uva football is gayer than eight guys (expletive) nine guys. their (expletive) fight song is auld lang syne. are you (expletive) kidding me? get a real (expletive) fight song. i still hate new years eve because it means i have to hear that (expletive) song. the only good thing is i know that by the time new years eve rolls around, those (expletive) have already played their bowl game. usually about a week before hand. that is, if they made a bowl. and dont get me started on this (expletive) that uva is a better academic institution. the hardest part about graduating from uva? that would be getting into uva. uva is harder to get into and tech is harder to graduate from. those trust fund (expletive) can take their "higher academics" and kiss my (expletive). you know why? because biology lectures arent televised. football games are. they can sit there with their brie, wine and neck ties and call themselves sophisticated. me? im going to get hammered on wild turkey 101, grill brats, wear my beer-stained hooded sweatshirt and watch my football team beat the (expletive) out of yours because thats where sophistication gets you. give me tech and hard nosed, blue collar work ethic because were going to kick your (expletive) 10 times out of 10 that way. drink your wine and eat your brie, (expletive). my bourbon-drinking (expletive) has has won 7 of the last 8 meetings (ed. note: now 8 of 9). take your (expletive) trust fund and use to buy a first class ticket to boise to see your worthless team play in the (expletive) humanitarian bowl again. (expletive) uva. (expletive) them. (expletive) uva. thursday is day 1,083 of tech's continuous possession of the commonwealth cup, (expletive). ps - happy thanksgiving."

And I was sober when I wrote that. I was told two days later by someone who had the E-mail forwarded to them that it was the "funniest (expletive) E-mail" they had ever read.

Non-Conference Teams

Nothin' But Love
1. Oklahoma - The Alma Mater. I don't like Stoops, but I at least respect him. It's win-win for me when the Sooners play. If they win, I'm happy for the players and the people involved with that program. When they lose, I'm happy I get to see Stoops squirm.
2. South Florida - Beating WVU twice in a row gets you some love.
3. Ohio State - I hate Michigan, have friends who are Bucks and they have the coolest helmets in college football. You're the only Big Ten team I have any respect for.
4. East Carolina - Just don't do anything stupid like beat us anytime between now at 2080 or whenever this friggin' series ends.

Mildly Annoying
5. The SEC (Minus Tennessee) - Mildly annoying because they're so good at football and their fans often wear neck ties to games. But wow, do they have good tailgating.

May Your Canals Be Filled With Sand
6. Michigan - Good job hiring DickRod. Now I dislike you more.
7. Texas - Wrong kind of orange. I do like Rick Barnes, though.
8. Louisville - I learned at the 2005 Final Four that their fans have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. They're trailer trash, wanna-be thugs. Yes, I would like fries with that. No, I don't want an apple pie.
9. Tennessee - Vols fans, I've got bad news for you. You're really not going to like it. You may want to sit down. OK, here it is. WE'RE BETTER AT FOOTBALL THAN YOU ARE. In fact, you're kind of bad at it now. Your coach has no control over his team and really should be shown the door. It used to be you wouldn't play us because we weren't on your level. Guess what? Now we don't want to play you because you're not on our level. And your stadium is overrated. Not as good as advertised. Rocky Top, you'll always be... second in the SEC! Good ol' Rocky Top (woooo!)... second in the SEC!

West Virginia
10. West Virginia - You also get your own category, Couch Burners. Is there anything sadder than burning your own furniture after a football game? And you do it win or lose. You're basically the most class-less fan base outside of Newcastle, England.

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