Road Trip No. 9: OB and BCSCG

"If you wonder why you ride the carousel / You do it for the stories you can tell" - Jimmy Buffett, "Stories We Could Tell"

Football: Virginia Tech vs. Cincinnati
Football: Oklahoma vs. Florida
Dolphins Stadium
Miami Gardens, Fla.

Miles Round Trip: Over 3,000
Total Dollars Spent: A lot. A whole lot.

I really don't know how to begin the story of my trip to Miami other than with this: I'm pretty sure I broke my foot the Tuesday before the BCSCG. This was shortly after we all got kicked out of a South Beach bar at 4 a.m. But I'm getting way, way ahead of myself.

This was one of those trips that no one else would believe because you yourself aren't completely sure it happened. Did I really just spend eight days in South Florida? Did Virginia Tech really just win a BCS bowl game? Did we really just get kicked out of South Beach? Did I really just pay face value to sit a dozen rows up on the 25-yard line for the title game? These are questions you ask yourself after the fact because the whole trip (all 12 days including travel) was a blur. Thank God for photos.

Highlights

- The bunks I slept in for the Virginia Tech game collapsed at 5 a.m. Good thing I was in top bunk.
- Don't ask me what I thought of such-and-such play during the Orange Bowl. I don't remember the game and I haven't watched the DVR.
- I left profane voice mails for friends of mine after the Orange Bowl in front of children and Cincy fans in the parking lot after the game.
- Dude, we totally won a BCS bowl game!
- I was so hungover I almost killed myself while driving twice the day after the Orange Bowl.
- I spent four days between the games laying in a hammock and not doing much else.
- I ate stone crab twice and grilled dolphin once during the trip. "Is this tuna-safe dolphin?"
- The group I was with on the 6th wasn't allowed into two bars on Ocean Drive and kicked out of a third one.
- I flirted with a Finnish chick on South Beach who was thoroughly impressed with my knowledge of hockey players from Finland. Then one of my buddies scared her away by being an obnoxious ass hole.
- Later that night, I'm pretty sure I broke my foot while running after a buddy of mine who was certain he knew where his hotel was and I didn't. He was wrong. I was wearing flip-flops and landed on the side of my foot on the sidewalk. I've spent the days since then limping around.
- I had to pick up or drop off friends at all three major airports in South Florida. Thanks for flying into PBI, Canada! You ass.
- I saw four Gator fans wearing jorts and playing beer pong in the parking lot of the Wal-Mart next to Dolphins Stadium the day of the BCSCG.
- I bought Natural Ice at the same Wal-Mart because they were out of almost every other beer. Fortunately they had Yuengling.
- All four people in our group got into the BCSCG for face value. Suck it, scalpers.

Best quotes

"'Tis better to be idle and drunk than merely idle."

On the 6th, we were looking for a bar called Mangoes on South Beach. One of the two guys I was with asked for directions to Mangoes by asking people, "where are the bitches?" Later, he said this to a group of Latin women who couldn't understand a word he said (OK, they probably understood bitches). So I said, "ask them, 'donde estan las bitches.'" So he asked them just that. The group of women pointed toward Mangoes.

The day of the game we were taunting Gator fans by referring to their team as "Crocodiles." Don't judge us, we were hammered. We did this to one equally inebriated Florida tool who responded with, "naw, man, crocodile's teeth are on the outside!" One of the girls tailgating with us replied with, "so are your mom's."

Photos

Miami Checklist

Thanks to friends, friends of friends and random acquaintances I will be spending nine days in glorious South Florida for the Orange Bowl and BCSCG. I've been to Miami a couple of times and seen Cocaine Cowboys thrice, so I have a decent idea of what to expect from nine days in the land that taste forgot.

As with every other city I've been to multiple times, I developed a checklist of things that have to get done before I leave. It's like eating beignets at Cafe Du Monde in New Orleans, getting a burger at The Varisty in Atlanta ("What'll ya have?!") or getting pants-shittingly drunk at Top of the Stairs in Blacksburg. There are some things you just have to do when you go to a certain city on a football road trip.

Miami is no different. However, because Miami is like no city I've ever been to in the U.S. and Miami Beach feels more like the Mediterranean than South Florida, its checklists is vastly different than just "get hammered at (name of bar)". No, Miami is a state of mind as much as it is a city. For more, read Swindle's piece on his experiences with the city from earlier this season.

There will be football and plenty more during my nine days in Miami. Here's what's on tap so far. Yes, I know most of these are touristy bullshit. I'm from Oklahoma. Miami might as well be Mars. Don't worry, there will be plenty of photos posted on the blog from both games. In the words of Morris from Slap Shot, here's to all the gorgeous snatch in F-L-A.

Miami Checklist
- Joe's Stone Crab
- Margaritaville in Key West
- Go to a bar with a 24-hour liquor license
- Find a cigar that is from that one island we're not supposed to be able to get cigars from
- Drive down A-1-A even though traffic is always unrelenting

If you can think of anything else I should do, please chime in in the comments.

Road Trip No. 8: VT vs. UVa

Gobbler Country Road Trip No. 8
Football: Virginia Tech vs. Virginia
Lane Stadium
Blacksburg, Va.

Miles Round Trip: 2,200
Total Dollars Spent: $340 ($150 gas, $50 food and drink, $40 ticket, $100 souvenirs)

The biggest disappointment was I didn't stop at Corky's on either leg of this trip. I'm ashamed of myself. The first time through I skipped the usual stop in Jackson, Tenn., because I wanted to get to Blacksburg by 10 p.m. to join the tailgating festivities. It was worth. If I told you what happened at the tailgate Friday night you wouldn't believe me. It was ... um ... educational. Thanks, Russian.

This was the first time I ever spent the night at the Clubhouse Tailgate. I have no idea why I never did it before. Tons of fun and especially clutch for a Noon game when you can just wake up and start drinking and not have to worry about driving and parking the day of the game. It's the only way to go.

It was good football weather. It was cold, but not bone-chilling like the Duke game was. It was nerve-racking, but in the end we got another win over the 'Hoos. It was a good day.

The drive home, however, was not. I left three hours after the game expected to stop just outside of Knoxville and drive the rest of the way in the morning. However, I didn't take into account that Tennessee had a home night game that Saturday. So not only were all the hotels near Knoxville sure to be sold out, but I hit Knoxville just as the game ended and had to deal with post-game traffic.

So I kept driving and eventually got to Nashville, where I didn't want to spend the night. I felt pretty good and kept driving. I got to Jackson just after 1 a.m. and stopped to fill up. I was tired and should have spent the night there. But I hubris got the best of me and I decided that since I've come that far, I might as well make it home. So I loaded up on 5 Hour Energy shots and Red Bull and kept trucking.

Here's where trouble starts. I hate Arkansas and refuse to give it any of my tax dollars. So I always fill up in Roland, Okla., just before the Arkansas border and again when I first get to Tennessee. However, I noticed I wasn't getting as good gas mileage out of the Hokie Mobile as I'm used to. So I stopped in Memphis at 2:30 a.m. to top off so I didn't have to stop in Arkansas.

That's when I locked my keys in my car. In downtown Memphis. At Balls-Thirty in the morning. On a Saturday. Fuck. Me. Running.

I stayed warm and safe (well, as safe as I could be near downtown Memphis inside the convenience store and waited for AAA. When you drive as many miles as I do, you recognize the value of being a AAA Gold member. AAA showed up at 4 a.m. to unlock my car.

Yes, at this point I should have found the nearest hotel and at least taken a nap. But I was pissed and soldiered on. I nearly fell asleep at the wheel and died at least a half dozen times. But at Noon central time I finally pulled into my driveway. Needless to say, next time I'm just going to spend the night in Jackson, get lunch at Corky's and then drive home.


My home Friday night.


Breakfast.


Cornhole in the morning.


Bobbi the dog stays cool.


Tailgating for the UVa game.


UVa Communion.


Kickoff of the battle for the Commonwealth Cup.


Tyrod directs the offense.


9 out of 10 against the 'Hoos.


Tailgating at the airport, South of the stadium.


Traffic three hours after the game.


Good morning, Oklahoma.


The usual stop at the casino in Roland.


The 4-Star Diner in Roland. I give it 3.5 stars.

Road Trip No. 7: OU vs. TT

Gobbler Country Road Trip No. 7
Football: Texas Tech at Oklahoma
Owen Field
Norman, Okla.

Miles Round Trip: 4
Total Dollars Spent: $130 ($80 ticket and $50 food and drinks)

Unfortunately there aren't a lot of pictures to post for a couple of reasons. First, my camera broke early in the game. The combination of it being old and held together with tape and being a drunk ass hole was just too much for it to take. Also, a lot of the pictures were of me being a drunk ass hole. Those aren't getting posted on this blog. Sorry, Charlie.

I'm usually unimpressed with the home crowds at OU, but this one was different. Bob Stoops had asked the fans to be loud and rowdy for the Sooners' tilt with the Red Raiders and the fans obliged. It was by far the loudest I had ever heard OU fans for a home game.

Also, sneaking into the student section was an adventure. It wasn't difficult to get by the security, but it was difficult because so many people had sneaked into the student section and the aisles and stairs were blocked by people.

It was a fun atmosphere, especially since OU played so well and everyone was happy. Except for the people sitting in front of me. I tried to pick a fight with them when they started chanting "over-rated" (I can't stand when people do that) and I was almost successful.

Our tailgate was perfect. We had our tents set up right across the street from the stadium and had plenty of food and drinking games to get ready for kick off. In the words of Jimmy Buffett, "rum and cooked animals and bullshit by the ton." All the ingredients for a successful tailgate.


ESPN GameDay for the OMGGOTY!!!1 of the Week.


No flag poles allowed at GameDay... except for the Wazzu guys.


Yeah, I've got nothing. It's a bunch of students dressed as Superman riding around the stadium five hours before kickoff on bicycles. Provide your own punchline.


Tailgating along Lindsey Street.


It's Miley!


Touchdown, Oklahoma. There were a lot of those.

Road Trip No. 6: VT vs. Maryland

Gobbler Country Road Trip No. 6
Football: Maryland at Virginia Tech
Lane Stadium
Blacksburg, Va.

Miles Round Trip: 2,200
Total Dollars Spent: $320 ($200 gas, $50 food and drink, $40 ticket, $30 souvenirs)

Yeah, I cut this one short and came home on Friday. Needed to save money for the trip back for Thanksgiving and the UVa game. I still hit most the stops I wanted to, as you'll see below.

What Impressed Me
- Corky's BBQ. That's a given.
- Cody Freaking Grimm. Damn, son, damn.
- Maryland fans. Not as big of ass holes as advertised.
- My car's gas mileage, which was better than ever.

What Didn't Impress Me
- The weather. The fact I wore short sleeves at Lane in November is unacceptable.
- Maryland's defensive line.
- Corky's new bread pudding. I'm the world's biggest fan of bread pudding, but theirs was overcooked. I like my bread pudding creamy, not crispy. I'll stick to their pe-can pie from here on out. That's what I get for breaking from tradition.
- My ability to not be a belligerent drunk during the game.


The traditional pit stop at Corky's.


Hokie House.


TOTS. Rails, FTW. I had two rails on an empty stomach at 1 p.m. on gameday and was hammered.


Greatest license plate ever?


Outside of Lane.


The World Famous Clubhouse Tailgate.


Communion call for Maryland. My first home game communion.


Hokies take the field. There's a reason the photo is slanted and it has nothing to do with me trying to be artistic.


Lane at night.


OMG!!1 Our hero was in the house! Will M.F.-ing Furrer returns to Blacksburg!


Points on the board means girls in the air.


Hello, win column!


Car on fire on 81. About a 20 minute delay on the drive home.


The Appy State equipment truck on its way to Chattanooga.